Hi love!
I've been praying for you a bunch today. I wish my prayer life was more consistent...it's hard for me sometime to remember to connect with something as subtle as God is. My brain tends to focus on what is right in front of me. I keep idealizing women that can keep their homes in perfect order, live lives of prayer warriors for their children and exude patience. I don't think they really exist, exactly in that form, but their ghosts are everywhere. I don't measure up by half.
I'm growing melancholy as the winter gets deeper, I think.
Here's what I've been praying. I pray for JOY for you. In abundance. I pray that within your heart lies a spirit that is up for fun, gets inspired by things of beauty, and can invite others into that joy. You have bunches of joy so much of the time (especially any time you're with other kids) and it makes me so happy to see.
I pray for courage! Courage to make friends, courage to try new things, courage to face stuff you're afraid of. Courage to speak your mind, courage to befriend the friendless, courage to seek out the truth about who God is.
I pray for the right friends for you. I think that makes such a difference in how you trust people, the friends that you have when you're growing up. I know that you will go through heartache, I know that that heartache will give you empathy for others, but my holy father above, I want you to have a few strong steady loving friends that you can be yourself with, that you can be a giant goofball with, that you can be truthful with, that will support you and that you can support. I pray that friendship betrayal and bullying is warded away from you as much as possible.
I pray that I can break some of the chains that run in our family for you. My parents broke some for me (lack of affection and love into a warm family of love) I pray that I can break the chains of temper. The chains of eating addictions and using food as medicine. I pray that you never learn to reject yourself for fear that others will reject you if you don't.
And I pray that I don't break you! I pray that the little words I say, or frustration I show, any lack of patience, and this weird limbo of being far from our friends doesn't alter who you are, and that it falls away from you like water off of oil. I want your personality to stay as intact as possible.
Today, on the way to the doctors, we were talking and telling stories back and forth (mostly of how you were brave, and protecting your friends, and some stories about when you were born, because it helps you connect to Adessa) you told me that you were angry because your baby was crying. And then you said, "For Pete SAKES!"...I've heard that "for pete sakes," before...out of my own mouth when you were crying. And I try to tell myself that it's different, and there are things that are different because a lot of times you're crying over things where it really doesn't make much sense the EMOTION you're feeling compared to the cause, or it's something that has to happen and you're pissed about it...or it's a manipulative cry of sorts where you want me to stay in the room or do something you want...
But I recognized it. You said that to your doll because I've said that to you.
Well, my heart crumpled. I can be a great mom, and I can be a short-tempered crabby mom. Both of them live inside of me. I wish I could evict Mrs. Crabby, but I'm not sure how yet.
We talked further, about how I've said that to you before, and that it expresses frustration. We also talked about how mommy was sorry for when she was frustrated when you've cried and next time Mommy will stop and hug you when you cry. So that's my plan. We're very different people, babes, with very different wiring and that's all good. I'm going to do my best to learn how to handle my goofy frustrations so I can help you work through how you feel. We'll grow in this together. I needed an Ena to push me into learning this lesson.
Goofy things:
We took you to the Rainforest Cafe yesterday for Valentine's day (or Balentimes, as you like to call it.) and HOLY CRAP, were you enthralled. You weren't nearly as afraid as I thought you would be. You kept yelling "This is the BEST. RESTAURANT. EVER!!!! and we had to take dinner breaks to walk you over to the elephants or gorillas. You were just so excited the whole time. Not a big fan of the thunderstorm (as you told the waitress several times) but you just couldn't get enough of looking at the rain wall and the steam and all the animals. I can't wait to take you back! Everything was the BEST. EVER.
Then we went to the serpent safari right across the way (not all the way in, because we're waiting for when one of our girls Emma is working) but a girl had a yellow and white python outside the store around her shoulders. You walked right up to her and wanted to pet the snake, no fear or nothing. You keep describing it as SOFT. I was really really proud of you.
Also, today on the way home you were telling me that you were NOT TIRED, but that you just needed to "rest your eyes" for a few minutes. Well, that's turned into a two hour nap :)
I love you peanut. I'm excited for who you are and who you're growing into. Keep being you!!!
I love you!
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