Hi little lady!
Well, you had your BIG ultrasound the other day. (I should figure out how to put the pics up...but to be frank, ultrasound shots are so hard to figure out anyways, it would probably not look like much.) The day before, I could barely walk. According to my doctor, you were breach and sitting on my ligaments that connect the two sides of my pelvis in front and...holy crap. It makes any leg movement SO painful. Walking, getting up, (though moving only one leg is the worst!) With Ena's pregnancy, I would go for walks and do yoga, with you...sometimes it's difficult just sitting.
So a sunday ago, I went with your Dad to church and was feeling AWFUL. To the point where he had to drive me back home the hour and a half before youth group that night, and then drive back to run AtF. The fact that I asked him to drive an extra three hours to take me home should let you know how much pain I was in. I could barely walk, stairs were out of the question, any movement was excruciating. In fact, my parents came over to take care of Ena so that I could sit there like a giant lump and do nothing. (and nap)
I lay on an upside down incline for about 30 minutes, and you were moving around like CRAZY. I thought I felt you change, but just couldn't tell...and then when I woke up, I felt WORSE.
Fast forward to the next morning before the ultrasound, and it felt like a lot of the pressure was gone. It still hurt, but not anywhere close to what the day before was. Then we go for the ultrasound and they tell us that you flipped over and were head down now! Hooray! This means I can have you naturally, instead of the C-section that they were thinking about.
They showed us SO much in that ultrasound. It was crazy! We got to see your little face (poor thing, you're all smashed up against the uterine wall...it's getting tight in there!) and you have hair!!! (which means we're guessing that my hair won again and you'll be darker haired like Ena and me.) We got to see your spine, and kidneys, and two of the coolest moments were when they showed your heart. We could see all four chambers of your hear pumping, and then they turned on the doppler radar to show the blood flow through both sides, which showed that your heart walls were well-formed and there wasn't crossover between the two. You have chubby cheeks and chubby legs, and long feet. The other thing that was the absolute coolest was the tech zoomed in on your eye and we could see you blinking and looking around. You could actually see your iris moving back and forth like you were watching something. I have no idea what, but it was awesome!
They said that you are just a little on the smaller side, but you're perfect. Because Ena was SO BIG, they figured that you would follow suit. Apparently, you march to the beat of your own drum, kiddo. They project you to come out around 7 lbs, which is actually making me SO happy, because if I naturally birthed a 10 lb baby, you should be a snap. Actually, I'm a little relieved. Phew! (Now, I just need to control my sugar intake so I don't inadvertently make you huge (or colicky, when you have to do the withdrawal out here.) Must. Eat. Less. Sugar.
Now that you're head down, I feel a little better, but it's still pretty bad. I may go to physical therapy, but I'm not sure yet what I want to do. But now you're kicking up high and your daddy plays "chase the foot" when you get all wiggly. We love you sweetie, and can't wait to meet you!
Get cooked and then come out!!!
Love,
Momma
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Ena - February 15th, 2012
Hi love!
I've been praying for you a bunch today. I wish my prayer life was more consistent...it's hard for me sometime to remember to connect with something as subtle as God is. My brain tends to focus on what is right in front of me. I keep idealizing women that can keep their homes in perfect order, live lives of prayer warriors for their children and exude patience. I don't think they really exist, exactly in that form, but their ghosts are everywhere. I don't measure up by half.
I'm growing melancholy as the winter gets deeper, I think.
Here's what I've been praying. I pray for JOY for you. In abundance. I pray that within your heart lies a spirit that is up for fun, gets inspired by things of beauty, and can invite others into that joy. You have bunches of joy so much of the time (especially any time you're with other kids) and it makes me so happy to see.
I pray for courage! Courage to make friends, courage to try new things, courage to face stuff you're afraid of. Courage to speak your mind, courage to befriend the friendless, courage to seek out the truth about who God is.
I pray for the right friends for you. I think that makes such a difference in how you trust people, the friends that you have when you're growing up. I know that you will go through heartache, I know that that heartache will give you empathy for others, but my holy father above, I want you to have a few strong steady loving friends that you can be yourself with, that you can be a giant goofball with, that you can be truthful with, that will support you and that you can support. I pray that friendship betrayal and bullying is warded away from you as much as possible.
I pray that I can break some of the chains that run in our family for you. My parents broke some for me (lack of affection and love into a warm family of love) I pray that I can break the chains of temper. The chains of eating addictions and using food as medicine. I pray that you never learn to reject yourself for fear that others will reject you if you don't.
And I pray that I don't break you! I pray that the little words I say, or frustration I show, any lack of patience, and this weird limbo of being far from our friends doesn't alter who you are, and that it falls away from you like water off of oil. I want your personality to stay as intact as possible.
Today, on the way to the doctors, we were talking and telling stories back and forth (mostly of how you were brave, and protecting your friends, and some stories about when you were born, because it helps you connect to Adessa) you told me that you were angry because your baby was crying. And then you said, "For Pete SAKES!"...I've heard that "for pete sakes," before...out of my own mouth when you were crying. And I try to tell myself that it's different, and there are things that are different because a lot of times you're crying over things where it really doesn't make much sense the EMOTION you're feeling compared to the cause, or it's something that has to happen and you're pissed about it...or it's a manipulative cry of sorts where you want me to stay in the room or do something you want...
But I recognized it. You said that to your doll because I've said that to you.
Well, my heart crumpled. I can be a great mom, and I can be a short-tempered crabby mom. Both of them live inside of me. I wish I could evict Mrs. Crabby, but I'm not sure how yet.
We talked further, about how I've said that to you before, and that it expresses frustration. We also talked about how mommy was sorry for when she was frustrated when you've cried and next time Mommy will stop and hug you when you cry. So that's my plan. We're very different people, babes, with very different wiring and that's all good. I'm going to do my best to learn how to handle my goofy frustrations so I can help you work through how you feel. We'll grow in this together. I needed an Ena to push me into learning this lesson.
Goofy things:
We took you to the Rainforest Cafe yesterday for Valentine's day (or Balentimes, as you like to call it.) and HOLY CRAP, were you enthralled. You weren't nearly as afraid as I thought you would be. You kept yelling "This is the BEST. RESTAURANT. EVER!!!! and we had to take dinner breaks to walk you over to the elephants or gorillas. You were just so excited the whole time. Not a big fan of the thunderstorm (as you told the waitress several times) but you just couldn't get enough of looking at the rain wall and the steam and all the animals. I can't wait to take you back! Everything was the BEST. EVER.
Then we went to the serpent safari right across the way (not all the way in, because we're waiting for when one of our girls Emma is working) but a girl had a yellow and white python outside the store around her shoulders. You walked right up to her and wanted to pet the snake, no fear or nothing. You keep describing it as SOFT. I was really really proud of you.
Also, today on the way home you were telling me that you were NOT TIRED, but that you just needed to "rest your eyes" for a few minutes. Well, that's turned into a two hour nap :)
I love you peanut. I'm excited for who you are and who you're growing into. Keep being you!!!
I love you!
I've been praying for you a bunch today. I wish my prayer life was more consistent...it's hard for me sometime to remember to connect with something as subtle as God is. My brain tends to focus on what is right in front of me. I keep idealizing women that can keep their homes in perfect order, live lives of prayer warriors for their children and exude patience. I don't think they really exist, exactly in that form, but their ghosts are everywhere. I don't measure up by half.
I'm growing melancholy as the winter gets deeper, I think.
Here's what I've been praying. I pray for JOY for you. In abundance. I pray that within your heart lies a spirit that is up for fun, gets inspired by things of beauty, and can invite others into that joy. You have bunches of joy so much of the time (especially any time you're with other kids) and it makes me so happy to see.
I pray for courage! Courage to make friends, courage to try new things, courage to face stuff you're afraid of. Courage to speak your mind, courage to befriend the friendless, courage to seek out the truth about who God is.
I pray for the right friends for you. I think that makes such a difference in how you trust people, the friends that you have when you're growing up. I know that you will go through heartache, I know that that heartache will give you empathy for others, but my holy father above, I want you to have a few strong steady loving friends that you can be yourself with, that you can be a giant goofball with, that you can be truthful with, that will support you and that you can support. I pray that friendship betrayal and bullying is warded away from you as much as possible.
I pray that I can break some of the chains that run in our family for you. My parents broke some for me (lack of affection and love into a warm family of love) I pray that I can break the chains of temper. The chains of eating addictions and using food as medicine. I pray that you never learn to reject yourself for fear that others will reject you if you don't.
And I pray that I don't break you! I pray that the little words I say, or frustration I show, any lack of patience, and this weird limbo of being far from our friends doesn't alter who you are, and that it falls away from you like water off of oil. I want your personality to stay as intact as possible.
Today, on the way to the doctors, we were talking and telling stories back and forth (mostly of how you were brave, and protecting your friends, and some stories about when you were born, because it helps you connect to Adessa) you told me that you were angry because your baby was crying. And then you said, "For Pete SAKES!"...I've heard that "for pete sakes," before...out of my own mouth when you were crying. And I try to tell myself that it's different, and there are things that are different because a lot of times you're crying over things where it really doesn't make much sense the EMOTION you're feeling compared to the cause, or it's something that has to happen and you're pissed about it...or it's a manipulative cry of sorts where you want me to stay in the room or do something you want...
But I recognized it. You said that to your doll because I've said that to you.
Well, my heart crumpled. I can be a great mom, and I can be a short-tempered crabby mom. Both of them live inside of me. I wish I could evict Mrs. Crabby, but I'm not sure how yet.
We talked further, about how I've said that to you before, and that it expresses frustration. We also talked about how mommy was sorry for when she was frustrated when you've cried and next time Mommy will stop and hug you when you cry. So that's my plan. We're very different people, babes, with very different wiring and that's all good. I'm going to do my best to learn how to handle my goofy frustrations so I can help you work through how you feel. We'll grow in this together. I needed an Ena to push me into learning this lesson.
Goofy things:
We took you to the Rainforest Cafe yesterday for Valentine's day (or Balentimes, as you like to call it.) and HOLY CRAP, were you enthralled. You weren't nearly as afraid as I thought you would be. You kept yelling "This is the BEST. RESTAURANT. EVER!!!! and we had to take dinner breaks to walk you over to the elephants or gorillas. You were just so excited the whole time. Not a big fan of the thunderstorm (as you told the waitress several times) but you just couldn't get enough of looking at the rain wall and the steam and all the animals. I can't wait to take you back! Everything was the BEST. EVER.
Then we went to the serpent safari right across the way (not all the way in, because we're waiting for when one of our girls Emma is working) but a girl had a yellow and white python outside the store around her shoulders. You walked right up to her and wanted to pet the snake, no fear or nothing. You keep describing it as SOFT. I was really really proud of you.
Also, today on the way home you were telling me that you were NOT TIRED, but that you just needed to "rest your eyes" for a few minutes. Well, that's turned into a two hour nap :)
I love you peanut. I'm excited for who you are and who you're growing into. Keep being you!!!
I love you!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Ena - February 8th, 2012
Oh woman, I think it may be time to declare our naps lost.
I don't think you've actually taken a nap in...at least two weeks. OR if you have, it's because we've put you down at like, four o'clock and then you refuse to go to sleep at night until 10 or 11 or so. I'm honestly not sure what to do, like right now, you got up in the middle of the night with a bad dream (something about a really loud car that woke you up. And your voice gets all quivery after a bad dream, it's so heart breaking.) So we talked and snuggled for awhile, and then you woke up again about 20 minutes later and talked and snuggled with Daddy...and then I couldn't sleep because while you were quiet, you rustled around in your crib for an HOUR after that.
Today you have dark circles under your eyes and you keep getting hiccups (both a mommy and Ena sign of TIRED!), but you're in your crib...refusing to sleep. I don't think it's that you don't need a nap...I think it's that you can't get yourself to lie down and take one until you're UBER tired at bedtime. I don't know. I was REALLY hoping you'd hold onto them until Adessa was here for awhile (or like, forever) and now...I basically make you "rest" in your crib for an hour, and then give you books for another half an hour...that's not necessarily a great mommy nap, if you know what I mean. I'm gonna have to figure this all out.
I feel at a loss to figure everything out. Also, our house is a complete disaster and it's overwhelming me. And for some reason, I want to make a zillion things, and buy a zillion more and just don't feel satisfied. I've gotta remember that it's February...and February and I never really get along very well.
I'm also feeling discouraged that our house hasn't sold or even had any showings for the past month or so. A few and then nothing again. I guess I really don't understand it. I want to get out there so that we can take care of our kids and our leaders, so we can settle you in a preschool, so I have a place to put Adessa that's not a drawer, and so I can make a little nest for us. And so your dad can be around us a lot more, and isn't exhausted from driving SO MUCH all the time. I hate being in a liminal phase and I feel like EVERYTHING is just ABOUT to transition, and I just have to wait and wait and wait until it finally does, but I don't know when it will.
Doing my best to enjoy life and YOU right now. I gave you a photo box today, and you've been putting all your "treasures" inside of it. We made lots of playdough snakes today and I let you watch more TV than normal because somehow, after lunch, your blues clues video started up and holy crap, if I can separate you from Blue. So I gave in and just let you watch...
And...are you sleeping right now? I'm not hearing the normal rustling...
Shhhh...
Love,
Momma
I don't think you've actually taken a nap in...at least two weeks. OR if you have, it's because we've put you down at like, four o'clock and then you refuse to go to sleep at night until 10 or 11 or so. I'm honestly not sure what to do, like right now, you got up in the middle of the night with a bad dream (something about a really loud car that woke you up. And your voice gets all quivery after a bad dream, it's so heart breaking.) So we talked and snuggled for awhile, and then you woke up again about 20 minutes later and talked and snuggled with Daddy...and then I couldn't sleep because while you were quiet, you rustled around in your crib for an HOUR after that.
Today you have dark circles under your eyes and you keep getting hiccups (both a mommy and Ena sign of TIRED!), but you're in your crib...refusing to sleep. I don't think it's that you don't need a nap...I think it's that you can't get yourself to lie down and take one until you're UBER tired at bedtime. I don't know. I was REALLY hoping you'd hold onto them until Adessa was here for awhile (or like, forever) and now...I basically make you "rest" in your crib for an hour, and then give you books for another half an hour...that's not necessarily a great mommy nap, if you know what I mean. I'm gonna have to figure this all out.
I feel at a loss to figure everything out. Also, our house is a complete disaster and it's overwhelming me. And for some reason, I want to make a zillion things, and buy a zillion more and just don't feel satisfied. I've gotta remember that it's February...and February and I never really get along very well.
I'm also feeling discouraged that our house hasn't sold or even had any showings for the past month or so. A few and then nothing again. I guess I really don't understand it. I want to get out there so that we can take care of our kids and our leaders, so we can settle you in a preschool, so I have a place to put Adessa that's not a drawer, and so I can make a little nest for us. And so your dad can be around us a lot more, and isn't exhausted from driving SO MUCH all the time. I hate being in a liminal phase and I feel like EVERYTHING is just ABOUT to transition, and I just have to wait and wait and wait until it finally does, but I don't know when it will.
Doing my best to enjoy life and YOU right now. I gave you a photo box today, and you've been putting all your "treasures" inside of it. We made lots of playdough snakes today and I let you watch more TV than normal because somehow, after lunch, your blues clues video started up and holy crap, if I can separate you from Blue. So I gave in and just let you watch...
And...are you sleeping right now? I'm not hearing the normal rustling...
Shhhh...
Love,
Momma
Monday, February 6, 2012
Adessa - February 6th, 2012
Hi there, little creature!
You are currently kicking the crap out of me! Something about the way you are sitting is unbelievable weird feeling, like you keep kicking organs or the inside of my bellybutton. You've grown since the "we're afraid she's not growing properly" incident, so I'm much less afraid. My uterus is already over 2 cms bigger (which means you're bigger), and your kicks have moved from these things I noticed to these things that occasionally HURT!
Our official level 2 ultrasound is a week from today, but I'm not worried. I AM worried that you are still breech. Your little butt is sitting right on the ligaments that attach the two sides of my pelvis, and making them enflamed and painful. Moving one leg at a time is a joke (which means my walk looks like I'm hauling one side and then the other side of my body forward). It's very attractive, I'm sure. It's also creating a stabbing sensation in my crotch whenever I move. Isn't that awesome? Ugh, pregnancy and me are not friends. Add heartburn and feeling like a whale...yikes.
I feel unprepared materially (We need a cradle, I'd still love to MOVE, we need more baby clothes)--but I'm really ready for this phase to be over. I just want to meet you and get started on our lives together. I want to see what you look like, and watch your little personality emerge. I'm also a little freaked out about what to do when I have two kiddos, and would kind of like to stop living in the what ifs, and figure out how to make it happen.
I'm sure I will look back at this post and be yelling at myself "GO TO SLEEP! SLEEP WHILE YOU CAN, WOMAN!!!"
I will pay attention to my future self now.
Also, flip over.
I love you desperately already.
Momma
You are currently kicking the crap out of me! Something about the way you are sitting is unbelievable weird feeling, like you keep kicking organs or the inside of my bellybutton. You've grown since the "we're afraid she's not growing properly" incident, so I'm much less afraid. My uterus is already over 2 cms bigger (which means you're bigger), and your kicks have moved from these things I noticed to these things that occasionally HURT!
Our official level 2 ultrasound is a week from today, but I'm not worried. I AM worried that you are still breech. Your little butt is sitting right on the ligaments that attach the two sides of my pelvis, and making them enflamed and painful. Moving one leg at a time is a joke (which means my walk looks like I'm hauling one side and then the other side of my body forward). It's very attractive, I'm sure. It's also creating a stabbing sensation in my crotch whenever I move. Isn't that awesome? Ugh, pregnancy and me are not friends. Add heartburn and feeling like a whale...yikes.
I feel unprepared materially (We need a cradle, I'd still love to MOVE, we need more baby clothes)--but I'm really ready for this phase to be over. I just want to meet you and get started on our lives together. I want to see what you look like, and watch your little personality emerge. I'm also a little freaked out about what to do when I have two kiddos, and would kind of like to stop living in the what ifs, and figure out how to make it happen.
I'm sure I will look back at this post and be yelling at myself "GO TO SLEEP! SLEEP WHILE YOU CAN, WOMAN!!!"
I will pay attention to my future self now.
Also, flip over.
I love you desperately already.
Momma
Ena - February 6th, 2012
Oh my silly girl.
I love what a little momma you're becoming. I think Adessa is in for a trip of a big sister. Today, you spent a solid forty minutes pretending to tuck me in, giving me animals, composing epic stories about ladybugs and forests looking at me with the HUGE eyes. A few weeks back, we went to our friend SunShine's house (she has Deacon and Maxx, and as of recently, Seonna.) Seonna is about a month old, and you pretty much ignored the boys entirely, and devoted yourself to standing next to a sleeping Seonna's cradle, holding her hand and putting her pacifier back in her mouth if it ever fell out.
Why do I have a feeling that there will be less sibling rivalry as there will be you being upset that you can't do everything to "mom" Adessa. Even now, you're talking about how you get to SHARE with Adessa! Your toys! You'll give her your toys! You'll change her diapers! You'll feed her yogurt! and bottles! CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Gosh, I hope this lasts until she's actually born. Though, I'm expecting it will, you've always been fascinated by kids that are littler than you. You've hugged random babies, just because you can.
We had a Cranmer family day today, going to the pet store (you really like watching the dogs get haircuts, and today there was a long-haired cat who was getting shaved and falling asleep on the table during it. I swear they must have drugged that kitty out of it's mind. You thought that was HILARIOUS.
You've started to sing a long with your veggie tales movies, but you don't want us to sing with you, and you're not too keen on us listening to you either. But it is the CUTEST FRIGGING THING AND OMG, IT'S SO CUTE! I swear that half of our lives are me and your dad looking at each other in the midst of a cuteness explosion.
You also spent a lot of tonight talking on your phone (one of my old abandoned cellphones) to a.) Aunt Susie b.) Nana and c.) the cats.
To bed with me, before I fall over. I love you sweetheart, this will get a bit more coherent as I feel like I'm caught up. Love you!
I love what a little momma you're becoming. I think Adessa is in for a trip of a big sister. Today, you spent a solid forty minutes pretending to tuck me in, giving me animals, composing epic stories about ladybugs and forests looking at me with the HUGE eyes. A few weeks back, we went to our friend SunShine's house (she has Deacon and Maxx, and as of recently, Seonna.) Seonna is about a month old, and you pretty much ignored the boys entirely, and devoted yourself to standing next to a sleeping Seonna's cradle, holding her hand and putting her pacifier back in her mouth if it ever fell out.
Why do I have a feeling that there will be less sibling rivalry as there will be you being upset that you can't do everything to "mom" Adessa. Even now, you're talking about how you get to SHARE with Adessa! Your toys! You'll give her your toys! You'll change her diapers! You'll feed her yogurt! and bottles! CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Gosh, I hope this lasts until she's actually born. Though, I'm expecting it will, you've always been fascinated by kids that are littler than you. You've hugged random babies, just because you can.
We had a Cranmer family day today, going to the pet store (you really like watching the dogs get haircuts, and today there was a long-haired cat who was getting shaved and falling asleep on the table during it. I swear they must have drugged that kitty out of it's mind. You thought that was HILARIOUS.
You've started to sing a long with your veggie tales movies, but you don't want us to sing with you, and you're not too keen on us listening to you either. But it is the CUTEST FRIGGING THING AND OMG, IT'S SO CUTE! I swear that half of our lives are me and your dad looking at each other in the midst of a cuteness explosion.
You also spent a lot of tonight talking on your phone (one of my old abandoned cellphones) to a.) Aunt Susie b.) Nana and c.) the cats.
To bed with me, before I fall over. I love you sweetheart, this will get a bit more coherent as I feel like I'm caught up. Love you!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Ena - February 5th, 2012
Oof, well, there was a long stretch of no posting. I'll try to sum up where we've been.
We've been weaning you off "needing" mommy or daddy to help you as you potty. You know, literally, wiping your arse. You can do it all yourself, but you don't like to, and when I make you do it...it literally took you FORTY FIVE minutes everytime. omg, I was about to shoot myself. And we need you to be able to do everything by yourself because when Adessa shows up, if she's nursing, sorry, lady...you're on your own when it comes to pottying.
It was cause for some mommy/Ena strife. I tried everything I could think of to get you motivated (stickers, time-outs, fuzzies...) and like the true daughter of mine that you are, nothing worked...except m&ms. This works surprisingly well, and gets you in and out in about five minutes. Mommy can breathe again! Wooohooo! There was one night where you had gone to the potty, were FINALLY down (this was pre-m&ms) and called me back in to tell me you needed to potty again. I did everything for you and was reaaaally crabby doing it, finally I plopped you down in your crib and walked out the door.
About 5 minutes later, I was sitting there feeling awful and not wanting you to go to sleep having been crabbed at by the crabbiest of all crabs and I went back in, pulled you up (from where you were almost sleeping anyways) and snuggled you and apologized, and you actually apologized too and we forgave each other and gave our hearts to Jesus to clean up and then you told me about your day for another 20 minutes. I love you midget.
We've been weaning you off "needing" mommy or daddy to help you as you potty. You know, literally, wiping your arse. You can do it all yourself, but you don't like to, and when I make you do it...it literally took you FORTY FIVE minutes everytime. omg, I was about to shoot myself. And we need you to be able to do everything by yourself because when Adessa shows up, if she's nursing, sorry, lady...you're on your own when it comes to pottying.
It was cause for some mommy/Ena strife. I tried everything I could think of to get you motivated (stickers, time-outs, fuzzies...) and like the true daughter of mine that you are, nothing worked...except m&ms. This works surprisingly well, and gets you in and out in about five minutes. Mommy can breathe again! Wooohooo! There was one night where you had gone to the potty, were FINALLY down (this was pre-m&ms) and called me back in to tell me you needed to potty again. I did everything for you and was reaaaally crabby doing it, finally I plopped you down in your crib and walked out the door.
About 5 minutes later, I was sitting there feeling awful and not wanting you to go to sleep having been crabbed at by the crabbiest of all crabs and I went back in, pulled you up (from where you were almost sleeping anyways) and snuggled you and apologized, and you actually apologized too and we forgave each other and gave our hearts to Jesus to clean up and then you told me about your day for another 20 minutes. I love you midget.
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